home about
blog 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2017 2018 2019 2020
tech android linux vim

01: March first, and I'm too tired to say much about it.

2019-03-01 11:54

Tags: weather snow tired nosleep frustration medication neighbour depression autism discomfort

Winter weather notwithstanding, I'm so tired I don't even want to be awake any more. But I barely ever sleep, anyway, so I guess I'm screwed.

Snow is melting, and I got the DSL hooked up somewhat badly, but it works.

Ordered a refill of Atenolol, but doubt my doctor will fill it. Haven't gotten back to her after her office called me to force me to make a new appointment, so they will probably deny the refill. I'll have to make it to the walk-in clinic for that, and go without for a day or two.

Dad and the next-door neighbours went down the hill to work on a large oak that broke in their driveway, and they're just getting back. I guess I'll go for now.

Don't have much else to say, anyway. I'm really tired, depressed, and foggy today. I dunno.

12:30

Tags: sensory autism

I just can't take any more of this. My nails are filthy at all times. I'm itchy. I can't wash anything. I have to repeat what I say two to four times to be heard over the generator, space heaters, and the screaming/crying/whimpering dog. My lungs ache from generator exhaust, cooking smoke we can't vent, and paraffin smoke. Every time someone talks to me, I look at them, and there's about a 50% chance I'll be blinded by a head lamp that hurts my eyes for minutes. My lips are continually chapped from holding my penlight in my mouth so my hands are free. I've been wearing the same clothes for this entire time. I don't even know if I'll make it in for my scrip, or if I'll have to go without. It won't get filled until next week at the earliest anyway, though, so what ever.

I'm so bloody worn out in every possible way imaginable.

Saturday will mark a week without power, and it sounds as though there is no chance in heck we get it fixed by them before another entire week is up. So maybe by the 9th of March, earliest. That's... not good, as we'll be long out of propane by even the end of this weekend, I am thinking.

trying to stay warm and see at the same time

trying to stay warm and see at the same time

the destruction is plainer to see as the snow slowly melts

the destruction is plainer to see as the snow slowly melts

so much humidity

the snow melts and the humidity stays high

deadly widow-makers hang from the large fir

deadly widow-makers hang from the large fir making it dangerous to be near

continually too tired to look anything but dead on my feet

continually too tired to look anything but dead on my feet

16:28

Tags: cry tired depression dog sensory autism

I just burst into tears because I'm so damn tired and unable to function, i am at my wits end.

i need mental downtime. i need a break to let my head heal and learn from this.

instead, it's just continual torment all day and night, with no end in sight.

we literally won't have power for weeks likely, it's looking like. at last count there were still about 4500 utility members without power.

i can heal with only having electricity part of the day. i can go along with cocooning myself at night so i'm not shivering.

but for crying out loud, i cannot get a moment's peace, comfort, or respite in this hell, and it's making me feel compellingly stretched beyond my limits.

i am so tired, going upstairs to pee is exhausting. i just put the dog's things on because he needed to go, about 20 minutes ago, and because dad got home, mom took it all off again. so immediately, he followed me to pee, and repeatedly jumped on me, whined, and cried.

i'd tried to tell mom, and she wasn't listening, and i just broke. i sat down on the floor in tears with my snow pants not even 75% refastened, and sobbed.

i hate life when i feel this way.

i can't even think how to articulate this. it's just continual, soul-piercing pain, with no escape.

the sun setting through the kitchen window

the sun setting through the kitchen window

19:52

We had a dinner snack and showers at the neighbours'.

The trek up and back was tiring, but the shower was worth it.

walking to the neighbours the dark

walking to the neighbours in the dark

feeling clean and rested enough to smile for once

feeling good enough after being able to shower for the first time in a week that i can smile





© 1995-2020 clover