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30: First day back to work went fine

2017-11-30 08:30

Tags: anxiety trans work

I had absolutely no panic attacks, zero issues using the correct bathroom, and oddly enough I didn't particularly want to go home at the end of my day.

I got deadnamed only once. I let it go instantly. No reason to be annoyed until I have reason to.

I used the women's room a whole three times. The first time was entirely uneventful, and set the tone for calming me down a bit, thankfully. I only ran into someone else face-to-face once, and I was so nervous and shocked, I never even looked up at her face. I let out a strangled half-cry, half-whimper of apology as I pushed past, clutching my own chest in anxiety.

Another time I went in and the larger of the two cubicles was occupied. I had to sit and wait for the other person to leave before I could get my bladder to let go. (I've always had a shy bladder, I guess being in the right bathroom isn't going to resolve that over night.)

I don't miss the messes in the men's room. The women's isn't always pristine from what the CEO's wife has said, but it's far cleaner than the men's as far as I could see.

The second time I went to use the potty was the best, because I saw one of the young male dude-bro slacker developer-types from the office down the hall on our floor who I constantly had to contend with for the stall in the men's room. They would go in and sit using their phones for 20-30 minutes at a time when all I needed to do was pee. Seriously. That or simply eye me enough to make me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome, which was almost worse.

Anyway, he came out of their office, obviously heading for the men's room. I studiously avoided all eye contact with him, and as I sat down to pee in the ladies', I realised all of the above for the first time. No longer would I have to wait. Our entire floor was more heavily male.

This day has been pretty epic for me. I don't want at all to go to bed.

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