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I just started using i3wm today, and my mom was put in ICU with appendicitis. (She's on a medication which means she can't have surgery immediately, and i3wm is one of the most amazing things ever.)

Categories software, anxiety

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at least, i don't think it is.

having to get reassurance from one's acquaintances that she is not entirely useless, every day, without variance, just so one doesn't feel the urge or need to self-harm, is utter crap.

it's even more fun when dysphoria dog-piles on top of everything and makes one actively loathe themselves. then it's even more difficult to dodge those feelings. the days i actually manage it, through all that, i'm so exhausted i don't have the means for any other activities.

i've given up trying to find a psychiatrist who wants me as a patient. as soon as they hear or see "autistic" or "trans" they immediately clam up, or claim their practice "is full".

i can't even work up the anger it would take to feel slighted by this, hell, i'm sick of me, too. i wish i could be rid of my problems as easily as they are, however.

that's the one thing i can't do.

Categories depression, mental health


...and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I was so shaky while I was filling it out, that typing was almost impossible. I had mistakes on nearly every page, and had to go back and correct them. I'm not even sure it's not mostly wrong at this point, because I was so anxious I genuinely can't remember much of it.

Unemployment is the most stressful "job" out there, and everyone is pushing me so hard to sign up so I can get insurance, that it's less work to just do it and be done with it. Oh, the benefits will be cancelled/denied later, when I inevitably cannot meet the requirements. It's a given. I signed up against my will, because of how much pressure I'm under to do exactly as everyone says I should.

I'm not sure people who aren't either autistic or transgender can fully comprehend how powerfully destructive that feeling of being trapped by circumstance feels. Especially when it's in a way that ANY solution is untenable, and nothing we suggest as an alternative is met with anything but derision. It's made even worse when this is perpetrated by loved ones, because the massive guilt we feel trying to choose what we need to do to stay mentally whole, versus what external forces want from us, will ALWAYS be at odds. And thus we will always cave. Despite how damaging it is to our mental state. Even though we know the scars from the experience will stain our psyche.

The duress of continually having people tell me, "I'll never stop believing in you, don't give up!" has almost driven me to the edge a number of times. And this time is no different: because it is ALWAYS A LIE.

Unfortunately, giving up is exactly what MOST people do when pressured or harassed into an inescapable corner. Countless transgender folks have killed themselves because of it, and probably billions more will in the future. All because someone thinks it's okay to guilt us into doing things with that little chestnut, "I believe in you".

It isn't okay, and it's not fair to hold my status as a person hostage to get what you want. And of course we know for a fact that you WILL think less of us for not following through exactly as you want. We know because we've experienced it before, and can still feel that terrible burning shame of disappointment in your eyes rending our already-mediocre sense of self-worth to the very core, destroying it utterly.

There's a reason this kind of behaviour is not okay, and in ANY OTHER FORM than mental, it's considered blackmail. And in the case of minors, this is literally child abuse.

Don't hold my self-image hostage. Don't force me to choose between my self-worth and yours. Why? I'll be honest with you: killing myself is a lot easier than trying, and inevitably catastrophically failing, to live up to your incredibly high expectations.

I don't want to. I don't want to, but sometimes it's all I can think about. And the cause is always external.

NTs and cis gender folks? Kindly keep your need to guilt others into conforming to your expectations to yourself. We have enough pressure on us from society to do just that as it is, and the torment we're going through on a day to day basis from transphobia and discrimination is something only other beleaguered minority groups understand.

To be fair, I also believe that if you had even a modest idea how it felt, you wouldn't be doing this to us. But you refuse to listen, and thus here is where we find ourselves. Me, feeling like an untouchable, mentally deficient and useless degenerate, who shouldn't be trusted to make decisions for her own, let alone anyone else (like their children).

And you, you grinning fool, feeling so righteous that you feel so POSITIVE about us. You can take that smug high horse and gallop it right up your fat arse.

I never asked you for your belief or encouragement.

I'm not a role model. I'm not a public figure. Believing in me does NOTHING save make you feel smugly superior to someone who is hurting and in dire need of help, commiseration, and love.

Save your bull for someone who actually WANTS your unwelcome, unhealthy cheer-leading. Or at the very least, don't hold our fragile self-esteem hostage, just so you can feel like you've taken the moral high ground. You haven't. You've simply made us less likely to consult you the next time we have a problem which we're unable to resolve on our end without help. In fact, we're less likely to open up to you, or even keep appointments with you again, because you have proven manipulating us is more fun for you than giving us genuine comfort or advice.

Every time this has happened to me, I die a little more inside. And every time that voice in the back of my head resurfaces to remind me of the dark and hurtful times I have had to suffer through because of this mindset. Every damn time, suicide sounds that much better.

Every time those voices get louder, and I'm starting to struggle to fully shut them out.

Please stop. Please. I'm begging. I'm begging, because it seems to be the only thing people take notice of, any more. You are killing us with this hateful manipulation, and personally, I have reached near-breaking-point.

Categories trans, mental health


...or is transgender culture far too affected by gaming, anime, and politics?

Three things I dislike, and actively work to avoid whenever I encounter them. Fantastic.

If it hadn't made it impossible for me to make any more than two internet trans friends in the past year, I wouldn't mind so much, but the frustration is nearly overwhelming at this point.

Edit for actual reasons, because complaints:

  • gaming: toxic, overly competitive, revolves around politics set by game-makers
  • anime: Japan hates trans people, you idiots
  • politics: ...

Categories trans, depression


I actually took a hand in the ideas being put forth to make my hair look, "like an actual hair cut", as that seemed to be the on-going complaint: I asked to try having my A-line's stack brought up in the back (it was not nearly wide or open enough, and was still too close to my neck), and the front entirely left alone, long.

It turned out pretty well, though I'd still go half an inch to maybe more than an inch higher, next time, I think. I just had difficulty talking everyone else into it at the time. Much like every time I go in, I guess everyone is eager to keep the "foolish" tran from ruining her hair for a number of months.

As nice as that is, how much does that happen to cis gender children, I wonder...? I'm going to just count myself lucky. Besides, I actually do understand what looks nice. It's just that I have trouble implementing "good" things for myself. Always.

Edit: I give up on trying to attach an image collage. Textpattern is hindering my blogging more than it's benefiting it, that's for sure. I know every time I open my own site to write a post it's going to be a miserable, frustrating, depressing affair, which is why they often take a turn for the pissy.

Edit2: Note to myself, the php.ini settings Textpattern is supposed to use from the PHP distro (the apache ones) are being completely ignored by TP itself. Either Apache is stepping on its toes, or it really is just a complete POS.

Categories mental health, passing